The Definitive Top Ten Jeremy Clarkson Utterances

In order, starting with #10 and counting down to #1.

“This is just an ax murderer with headlights.  And I absolutely adore it.” [regarding the Mercedes C63 AMG]

“Unfortunately, on my way over here, I caught a cold.  And when I say cold, I actually mean gangrene.  Of my lungs.” [just before doing a ‘sensible’ review of the Renault Twingo]

“I’VE MENDED SOMETHING!” [upon fixing the light bulb in the rear taillight of a Porsche 944]

“I went on the internet and I found THIS…” [recurring theme during “The News”]

“Sorry, that happens sometimes when I say ‘silicon carbide.’” [His ‘crisis’ moment regarding the brakes and clutch on the Porsche Carrera GT]

“This is a hard job, and I’m not just saying this to win favor with lorry drivers, it’s a hard job.   Change gear, change gear, change gear, check your mirrors, murder a prostitute, change gear, change gear, murder, check your mirr—that’s a lot of effort in a day.” [regarding driving big rigs]

“Asking the front wheels of a car to do their normal job of steering while handling more than 170hp is like asking a man to wire a plug while juggling.  Penguins.  While making love.  To a beautiful woman while on fire, on stage…in front of the Queen.  It’s all going to go wrong.” [regarding the Ford Focus RS and front-wheel drive]

“Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really work. It’s like making a hardcore adult film, and then editing it so that it can be shown in British hotels. You just end up with a sort of half hour close up of some bloke’s sweaty face.” (makes said face) [regarding the Maserati MC12]

“The sort of person who would go away for a weekend, with his wife, to a hotel, some romantic place, and then spend the entire night flirting outrageously with the waitress.  And it’s okay because he’s got a Jaaaaaaaag.” [regarding Jaguar owners]

“You see, back in 1994, I was living in London. I got a call one evening from my mum to say that my dad was desperately ill in a hospital in Sheffield and I needed to get there as quickly as possible. I had just taken a chicken out of the oven and I thought, “Well, I’ll take that for my mum because she won’t have eaten,” ran outside, and I had a 928 on test that week. And when I arrived in Sheffield, the chicken was still warm. And my dad was still alive. In fact, he died half an hour later. And the truth is, if I hadn’t been driving a car which could zip quite happily at 170 miles per hour, I wouldn’t have had the opportunity to say goodbye to my dad. So, as far as I’m concerned, the 928 is alright.” [during the Patagonia Special, regarding the Porsche 928]

And on that bombshell, it’s time to end.  Thank you very much for [reading] — good night.


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